Monday 16 November 2015

Egyptian Pyramid Story - Radeyah

It was early morning and the sizzling ball of fire was slowly emerging behind the towering pyramids. I observed and stared at the astonishing view, all I could spot was miles of sand and  ancient pyramids and tombs. I stared at the crumbly papyrus that Great Auntie Lucy has handed me.
“This is the location of the temple,” I exclaimed pointing my thin finger on a helpful map.
“I’ll be able to display Cleopatra’s crown in a famous museum and be rich!” However, I have been searching for a whole week now in total with my friends and yet we have not noticed anything at all! Supplies were running short, my team were whispering and I was aware of it… The driver ground to a halt and faced me.
“Miss, we’ll have to call it a day or walk by foot since oil is running short.” I agreed sensibly and the driver signaled the others to set up camp.

Surrounding our muggy, minute campsite, the Sahara Desert was being trampled on frequently;  the driver was right, the needed oil had nearly run out. Like a tap, the oil leaked from the truck; there was a knot tied inside me. Rapidly, the oil attacked the sand, my fear had finally taken hostage of me! Covering my eyes in disappointment, my heart beat like a drum… I wriggled down in my sleeping bag, which was in my tent in the centre of the sizzling Sahara Desert, after a humid morning under the boiling sun. Hair rose on my back as I listened to mysterious noises coming from the horizon.

As the sun was beginning to sink into the land, I raised my binoculars and scanned the sunset just before my radio crackled with noise! I froze.
“What!” I yelled furiously.
“Sorry Miss, they've been spotted near the ancient tomb,” he replied.
“The have black jackets, grey beards and a bag full of guns and weapons!” I couldn't believe it at all! My goal would never be achieved!
“Do not, under any circumstances, let them get out of your sight!” I answered with a lump in my throat. My cheeks were erupting like an out of control volcano. In a flash, my team were swiftly chasing after them like a predator hoping they wouldn't detect us.

Gasping for air, our face transformed into a red tomato,  our hearts were thudding and we were panting for air. I could feel myself exploding with fury! Would we ever get the valuable crown? Smirking, the gang of thieves stepped on an odd looking brick…
“Aaghh!” screamed the thieves with agony. The thieves had actually helped us: they had guided us straight to Cleopatra’s crown! Blood was gruesomely oozing out of their souls as they frequently got shot with razor sharp arrows rapidly.
“ Please help!” they cried helplessly as death took away their last breath. I darted continuously towards the dead bodies and collected the valuable artifact. (Cleopatra’s crown)

“Thank you for helping!” I exclaimed.

5 comments:

  1. This piece of writing is extremely descriptive and full of wonderful speech!
    Next time, try and use a bit more adverbial phrases.

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  2. amazing use of adverbial phrases xx

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  3. your work is outstanding and nice speech

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  4. Well done Radeyah! You have used colons and semi-colons very well and I appreciate it. Also the brackets ( ) are used. I think you are a fantastic writer and keep it up!!

    *Maybe some more fronted adverbial's
    *Some more relative clauses (dropping clause) (subordinate clauses)

    But this is amazing i would read it any day !!

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  5. THAT WAS GREAT WELL DONE:)

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